Mad at God

I had a realization yesterday.  I'm pretty sure I'm mad at God.  Or, I at least feel super distant from Him.

I don't know exactly what caused it, when it started, whatever, but I don't feel like I used to.  Usually at this time of year I feel closer to God and my beliefs than the rest of the year, this is a time I do self reflections, and become deeper involved with my faith.  I usually go to church for the special days, watch Godspell, give up things for Lent, no meat on Fridays, I haven't done most of that this year.  And to be honest, if it weren't for my daughter being an altar server, I probably wouldn't be going to church at all.

A part of me thinks if I start studying and practicing witchcraft it will bring me closer to God, but I also worry about where I can practice.  Ideally it would be outside, but that is only weather permitting.  I think when it isn't good outside, which is more than half of the year, I would have to do it in the basement.

I also can't share my beliefs with the majority of my family.  There are a few (very few) that I could be open with, but much of my family would frown upon it.

And it seems like so much is going wrong right now, I wonder what it means.  Or why it's always happening to us.

Just what's been on my mind today.

Need to do more studying

Still not sure where I am with this.

I am having a hard time telling the difference between what I was told and raised growing up to believe, and what I actually believe.

I'm also having a hard time allowing myself to believe what I actually believe with out worry about what others will think.

I'm still working on week 5, gotta finish reading the book, then, onto week 6, where I'll be studying things I'm more familiar with.

One of my concerns about practicing witchcraft is believing in myself, you have to do that, and I am always full of self doubt.  Maybe this will help?

Book of shadows

I'm about to start week 5 of my course, which includes making a Book of Shadows.  I plan to do that online, at least to start.  If I want to switch it, I will.

I'm excited about learning more, continuing this journey.  I walked barefoot today outside, for the first time in a while, and it was wonderful.  I can smell spring in the air, the sun was shining today, and I felt the tingle in my soul that I get when I go outside and take a deep breath on a summer day.

I am excited and looking forward to the future.

Still here

And still working on learning about Wicca and witchcraft.  I'm working my way through the book, and the lessons, just much slower than I would like.

There is a big part of me that wants to jump in with both feet and start trying some things, but I'm going to wait.  I'm going to do more studying, and see what I think and what I want to try.

There are days where I feel what I'm reading is wrong, and there are days where I feel some of it sounds right to me.

This is my path, I don't have to agree with every faith 100%, I have to do what I feel is right and live with it.  It just doesn't help that what I feel is right changes from day to day.

We skipped church today, I was glad of that.  The last few times I was at church I just didn't feel like I was there mentally.  It's odd, cause this is the first year in a while I have had a hard time with Lent.  I usually give up something, like I did this year, and don't do meat on Fridays, but this is the first year I have been very impatient for it to be over.

I'm going to read a section of the book every night before bed and work my way through the lesson, and then we will see.

Day 14

So, starting tomorrow I have a lot for reading to do for this study.  I'm struggling right now cause I want to jump in and try some things out, but I know I need to wait until I know what I'm doing.

Tomorrow is church.  I enjoy going, yet I don't at the same time.  It really depends, I don't know what the difference is, if it's my mood, what the focus of the service is about or what.  Right now, I don't want to go, I will, but sometimes it's just going through the motions.

Tonight is a full moon, I need to start keeping track of how full moons affect me.  usually, at least lately, it's not good.

I guess that's it for this week, on to next week!

Day 13

Today is, The Witches Creed


The Witch's Creed

---

Hear now the word of the Witches, the secrets we hid in the night,
When dark was our destiny's pathway, That now we bring forth in the light.

Mysterious Water and Fire, The Earth and the wide-ranging Air,
By hidden Quintessence we know Them, and we will keep silent and dare.

The birth and rebirth of all Nature, the passing of Winter and Spring,
We share with the life Universal, rejoice in the Magical Ring

Four times in the year the Great Sabbat returns, and the Witches are seen,
At Lammas and Candelas dancing, on May Eve and old Halloween

When daytime and nighttime are equal, when sun is at greatest and least,
The four lesser Sabbats are summoned, again Witches gather in feast.

Thirteen silver moons in a year are, thirteen is the Covens array,
Thirteen times at Esbat make merry, for each golden year and a day.

The power has passed down the ages, each time between woman and man
Each century unto the other, ere times and the ages began.

When drawn is the Magickal circle, by sword or athame of power,
Its compass between two worlds lies, in the land of shades of that hour.

Our world has no right to know it, and the world beyond will tell naught,
The oldest of Gods are invoked there, the great work of Magic is wrought.

For two are the mystical pillars, that stand at the gate of the shrine,
And two are the powers of Nature, the forms and the forces divine.

And do what thou wilt be the challenge, so be it in love that harms none,
For this is the only commandment, By Magick of old be it done.

Eight words the Witches Creed fulfill:
If it Harms none, Do what Thou Will! 

Copyright © 2000 - 2001
Kristen Helmer

I think this is pretty straight forward.  It explains the Year of Celebrations, and the very basic beliefs.

And it all boils down to the last line, If it Harms none, Do what Thou will.  I think this is a wonderful motto for life.  Do what makes you happy, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

I know this is short, and lame, but I've had a migraine all day.  I'm excited to dive into this further though, looking forward to next weeks assignment!

Day 12

Some times I wonder what my faith, or beliefs would be if I wasn't raised in a Christian household.

I've always been interested in other beliefs, seeing the good (and bad) in all of them.  There is so much good being offered by all religions, why wouldn't you take the best from all of them?

I have tried headcovering, to make myself more humble, to remind myself that God is above me, but I found I was being more judegemental.  I tried modest dress, hubby didn't like it.  He let me try it, but he was very happy when I switched back to jeans.

I don't know how much of what I really believe is squashed by what I raised to believe, and what I feel other people expect me to believe.  I start to think about something, and then I start getting scared, what if I'm wrong, will I go to hell?  Will God forgive me?  But another point is, what if I believe now is wrong?

I don't know.  Sometimes I'm "brave" and do things like getting a Tarot reading, and sometimes I'm scared that even looking into other religions will put me on some sort of naughty list with God.

But, for now, I'm going to keep looking at other beliefs and incorporating what I'm comfortable with.