Mad at God

I had a realization yesterday.  I'm pretty sure I'm mad at God.  Or, I at least feel super distant from Him.

I don't know exactly what caused it, when it started, whatever, but I don't feel like I used to.  Usually at this time of year I feel closer to God and my beliefs than the rest of the year, this is a time I do self reflections, and become deeper involved with my faith.  I usually go to church for the special days, watch Godspell, give up things for Lent, no meat on Fridays, I haven't done most of that this year.  And to be honest, if it weren't for my daughter being an altar server, I probably wouldn't be going to church at all.

A part of me thinks if I start studying and practicing witchcraft it will bring me closer to God, but I also worry about where I can practice.  Ideally it would be outside, but that is only weather permitting.  I think when it isn't good outside, which is more than half of the year, I would have to do it in the basement.

I also can't share my beliefs with the majority of my family.  There are a few (very few) that I could be open with, but much of my family would frown upon it.

And it seems like so much is going wrong right now, I wonder what it means.  Or why it's always happening to us.

Just what's been on my mind today.

Need to do more studying

Still not sure where I am with this.

I am having a hard time telling the difference between what I was told and raised growing up to believe, and what I actually believe.

I'm also having a hard time allowing myself to believe what I actually believe with out worry about what others will think.

I'm still working on week 5, gotta finish reading the book, then, onto week 6, where I'll be studying things I'm more familiar with.

One of my concerns about practicing witchcraft is believing in myself, you have to do that, and I am always full of self doubt.  Maybe this will help?

Book of shadows

I'm about to start week 5 of my course, which includes making a Book of Shadows.  I plan to do that online, at least to start.  If I want to switch it, I will.

I'm excited about learning more, continuing this journey.  I walked barefoot today outside, for the first time in a while, and it was wonderful.  I can smell spring in the air, the sun was shining today, and I felt the tingle in my soul that I get when I go outside and take a deep breath on a summer day.

I am excited and looking forward to the future.

Still here

And still working on learning about Wicca and witchcraft.  I'm working my way through the book, and the lessons, just much slower than I would like.

There is a big part of me that wants to jump in with both feet and start trying some things, but I'm going to wait.  I'm going to do more studying, and see what I think and what I want to try.

There are days where I feel what I'm reading is wrong, and there are days where I feel some of it sounds right to me.

This is my path, I don't have to agree with every faith 100%, I have to do what I feel is right and live with it.  It just doesn't help that what I feel is right changes from day to day.

We skipped church today, I was glad of that.  The last few times I was at church I just didn't feel like I was there mentally.  It's odd, cause this is the first year in a while I have had a hard time with Lent.  I usually give up something, like I did this year, and don't do meat on Fridays, but this is the first year I have been very impatient for it to be over.

I'm going to read a section of the book every night before bed and work my way through the lesson, and then we will see.

Day 14

So, starting tomorrow I have a lot for reading to do for this study.  I'm struggling right now cause I want to jump in and try some things out, but I know I need to wait until I know what I'm doing.

Tomorrow is church.  I enjoy going, yet I don't at the same time.  It really depends, I don't know what the difference is, if it's my mood, what the focus of the service is about or what.  Right now, I don't want to go, I will, but sometimes it's just going through the motions.

Tonight is a full moon, I need to start keeping track of how full moons affect me.  usually, at least lately, it's not good.

I guess that's it for this week, on to next week!

Day 13

Today is, The Witches Creed


The Witch's Creed

---

Hear now the word of the Witches, the secrets we hid in the night,
When dark was our destiny's pathway, That now we bring forth in the light.

Mysterious Water and Fire, The Earth and the wide-ranging Air,
By hidden Quintessence we know Them, and we will keep silent and dare.

The birth and rebirth of all Nature, the passing of Winter and Spring,
We share with the life Universal, rejoice in the Magical Ring

Four times in the year the Great Sabbat returns, and the Witches are seen,
At Lammas and Candelas dancing, on May Eve and old Halloween

When daytime and nighttime are equal, when sun is at greatest and least,
The four lesser Sabbats are summoned, again Witches gather in feast.

Thirteen silver moons in a year are, thirteen is the Covens array,
Thirteen times at Esbat make merry, for each golden year and a day.

The power has passed down the ages, each time between woman and man
Each century unto the other, ere times and the ages began.

When drawn is the Magickal circle, by sword or athame of power,
Its compass between two worlds lies, in the land of shades of that hour.

Our world has no right to know it, and the world beyond will tell naught,
The oldest of Gods are invoked there, the great work of Magic is wrought.

For two are the mystical pillars, that stand at the gate of the shrine,
And two are the powers of Nature, the forms and the forces divine.

And do what thou wilt be the challenge, so be it in love that harms none,
For this is the only commandment, By Magick of old be it done.

Eight words the Witches Creed fulfill:
If it Harms none, Do what Thou Will! 

Copyright © 2000 - 2001
Kristen Helmer

I think this is pretty straight forward.  It explains the Year of Celebrations, and the very basic beliefs.

And it all boils down to the last line, If it Harms none, Do what Thou will.  I think this is a wonderful motto for life.  Do what makes you happy, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.

I know this is short, and lame, but I've had a migraine all day.  I'm excited to dive into this further though, looking forward to next weeks assignment!

Day 12

Some times I wonder what my faith, or beliefs would be if I wasn't raised in a Christian household.

I've always been interested in other beliefs, seeing the good (and bad) in all of them.  There is so much good being offered by all religions, why wouldn't you take the best from all of them?

I have tried headcovering, to make myself more humble, to remind myself that God is above me, but I found I was being more judegemental.  I tried modest dress, hubby didn't like it.  He let me try it, but he was very happy when I switched back to jeans.

I don't know how much of what I really believe is squashed by what I raised to believe, and what I feel other people expect me to believe.  I start to think about something, and then I start getting scared, what if I'm wrong, will I go to hell?  Will God forgive me?  But another point is, what if I believe now is wrong?

I don't know.  Sometimes I'm "brave" and do things like getting a Tarot reading, and sometimes I'm scared that even looking into other religions will put me on some sort of naughty list with God.

But, for now, I'm going to keep looking at other beliefs and incorporating what I'm comfortable with.

Day 11

Going to fight through my mood and get this done.


Wiccan Rede

---

Taken from Raven Grimassi, The Encyclopedia of Wicca & Witchcraft, Llewellyn Publications, St. Paul, MN 2000.
Bide within the law you must,
In perfect love and perfect trust.
Live you must and let to live,
Fairly take and fairly give.

For tread that Circle thrice about
To keep unwelcome spirits out. 
To bind the spell well every time
Let the spell be said in rhyme

Light of the eye and soft to touch, 
Speak you little, listen much. 
Honor the old ones in deed and name. 
Let love and light be our guides again.

Deosil go by the waxing moon, 
Chanting out the joyful tune. 
Winddershins go where the moon doth wane,
And the warewolf howls by the dead wolfsbane.

When the Lady's moon is new, 
Kiss the hand to Her times two. 
When the moon rides at Her peak,
Then you heart's desires seek.

Head the North winds mighty gale, 
Lock the door and trim the sail. 
When the wind blows from the East,
Expect the new and set the feast.

When the wind comes from the South, 
Love will kiss you on the mouth. 
When the wind whispers from the West,
All hearts will find peace and rest.

Nine woods in the cauldron go,
Burn them fast and burn them slow. 
Birch in the fire goes
To represent what the Lady knows.

Oak in the forest towers with the might,
In the fire it brings the God's insight. 
Rowan is a tree of power,
Causing life and magic to flower.

Willows at the waterside stand
Ready to help us to the Summer-land. 
Hawthorn is burned to purify
And to draw faerie to your eye.

Hazel - the tree of wisdom and learning
Adds its strength to the bright fire burning. 
White are the flowers of Apple Tree
That brings us fruits of fertility.

Grapes grown upon the vine
Giving us both joy and wine. 
Fir does mark the evergreen
To represent immortality seen.

Eldar is the Lady's tree. 
Burn it not or cursed you'll be. 
Four times the Major Sabbats mark
In the light and in the dark.

As the old year starts to wane,
The new begins, it's now Samhain. 
When the time for Imbolc shows,
Watch for flowers through the snow.

When the wheel begins to turn
Soon the Beltane fires will burn. 
As the wheel turns to Lamas night,
Power is brought to magic rite.

Four times the Minor Sabbats fall;
Use the sun to mark them all. 
When the wheel has turned to Yule,
Light the log; the Horned One rules.

In the spring, when night equals day,
Time for Ostra to come our way. 
When the Sun has reached its height,
Time for Oak and Holly to fight.

Harvesting comes to one and all
When the Autumn Equinox does fall. 
Heed the flower, bush, and tree
By the Lady blessed you'll be.

Where the rippling waters go
Cast a stone, the truth you'll know. 
When you have and hold a need,
Harken not to others' greed.

With a fool no season spend,
Or be counted as his friend. 
Merry Meet and Merry Part
Bright the cheeks and warm the heart.

Mind the Three-fold Laws you should. 
Three times bad and three times good. 
When misfortune is enow
Wear the star upon your brow.

Be true in love; this you must do
Unless your love is false to you. 
These eight words the Rede fulfill: 
"An ye harm none, Do what ye will."

Copyright © 2000 - 2001
Kristen Helmer

To be honest, I think this is pretty straight forward.  They are not only suggestions on how to live, but when celebrations fall, and how to use nature.  The using of nature is what I'm most interested in.  It almost seems like something you would teach a child so they would be able to remember things that they would need to know.  This is something I would like to memorize, so I will have the knowledge readily available.

Day 10

I am not in a place to do an assignment today, so I'm just going off the top of my head, and this will be short because I'm tired, and grumpy.  But today I realized, I feel further away from God when I need him most.  I don't know why that is, but I do.  When I'm down, and upset, I'm cynical and not drawn to God, I know that's when I need Him most, but for some reason that is when I push away.  I need to figure out why that is.

Day 9

I'm going to start with the 13 Goals of a Witch


The 13 Goals of a Witch

---

1. Know yourself
2. Know your craft
3. Learn
4. Apply knowledge with wisdom
5. Achieve balance
6. Keep your words in good order
7. Keep your thoughts in good order
8. Celebrate life
9. Attune with the cycles of the Earth
10. Breathe and eat correctly
11. Exercise the body
12. Meditate
13. Honor the Goddess and the God

Copyright © 2000 - 2001
Kristen Helmer

Here is what I think of this.  They are all wonderful goals to have.  I think if everyone in the world followed these goals, it would be a beautiful place.

1. Know yourself, I need to work on this.  I think I know myself, but I am also always changing, so then I start doubting myself, second guessing myself.  I need to work on listening to my inner voice much more, because 99% of the time, it's right.

2. Know your craft, learning that now.

3. Learn, also currently, and always, working on that.

4. Apply knowledge with wisdom.  Makes sense.

5. Achieve balance.  This is a struggle for me.  I need to learn to balance my needs with others, I usually only focus on others.

6. Keep your words in good order.  Another struggle.  I don't lie, I just am often a negative person, and I need to work on only speaking the positive.

7. Keep your thoughts in good order.  The same, I struggle with worry and anxiety often.  I would like to be more calm, peaceful and in the moment.  To enjoy where I am, when I am there.

8. Celebrate life.  Yes, a must!

9. Attune with the cycles of the Earth.  Something I hope to learn from this course.

10. Breathe and eat correctly.  Something we are about to embark on as a family because of Master's health.

11. Exercise the body.  I need to work this back into my daily habits.

12. Meditate.  Something I've been working on at night before bed.

13. Honor the Goddess and the God.  I am looking to figure out how I want to do this.

All of these things are needed in my life.  I am going to make this list a permanent page here, to refer to.  This is a list to be working on always.

Day 8

Today I don't have much to say.  I was going to do one of the assignments for this week, but I just can't stay focused.  With Master in the hospital, I'm just all scattered tonight and can't stay focused on anything, even around the house.  So, I think I'm going to put the readings, and assignments until tomorrow.

I guess that's all for today.

Day 7

So, in reading my responses, I seem to be very Christian in my way of thinking.  And I think over all, I am, but  I think there is so much more. I also have a hard time when it comes to the Christian faith being so judgemental of others.  I don't think everything is so black and white.  And I don't think any religion has it totally right, so I feel you need to be open minded.

I feel like I should write more, but it's been a long week, let alone day.

Tomorrow I begin Week 2 of my studies.

Day 6

Are we fated, or do we have a choice in life?
This one I'm a bit wishy washy on.  I believe we have choices in life, that we are able to pick what we want to do, and where we want to go.  I also, however, believe that God knows what choices we are going to make, what obstacles we will meet, and how we will react to them, so to an extent, that seems we are fated.

What is the meaning of life?
To do our best to help others, to be kind, to love one another.  To do the best we can do, to be the best we can be.

Is there reincarnation?
This one I struggle with, I believe it is possible, but I have yet to fit it into my beliefs.  There are times I feel that I had lived in another time, because of things I'm drawn to, or enjoy.  So, it may be possible.

Is there only one true religion?
If there is, it's not one that is here on earth.  Religion is man made, therefore, imperfect.  So, we can't have anything totally perfect.

Day 5

Do you believe in an afterlife?

I do.  I'm not 100% certain there is a black or white to how it works though.  Like, I don't think there is just the heaven and hell option, I think there is more to it than that.  I think it depends on what you've done with your life on Earth, and what more you want to do.

Do you believe there is a soul?
Yes, I also believe that animals have souls too.

What is the soul?
I think the soul is you, your emotions, your "heart", your inner voice.  It's hard to explain, I think it's your essence, for a lack of a better word.

How is the soul connected to our mind?
I think that it is what steers our decisions.  Like our Jimminy Cricket "conscious.  It's like the driver of our mind.

How is it connected to our body?

Our body is just a temporary vessel that holds our soul.  The vehicle to do what we need to do.

Day 4

Do I believe that Jesus should be worshiped?
I believe that Jesus is the Son of God.  And that he came to teach us forgiveness, kindness and compassion. I believe that he wants us all to be kind to, and to love one another.  I believe that he was (is) a gift from God, and I, as of right now tonight, feel that if I worship God, in the way I feel God is, part of what you are worshiping in Jesus.

Do I believe He is the Messiah?
I have been raised to believe that.  And to a certain extent, I do, but I have a very hard time accepting the fact that you won't get into heaven if you don't believe that he is the Messiah.  There are too many good people who don't believe in Him, and bad people who do, for me to believe that it is that cut and dry.

Do you believe that you must believe that Jesus is the Messiah to get into Heaven?
I answered that on accident already, short answer, no.

Do you believe in Heaven?
I do. I believe it is a perfect place, and we will be truly happy there.  I also firmly believe all my pets will be there, something I argue with people all the time about.

Do you believe in Hell?
I do.

Day 3

Today's questions:

Do you believe in good and evil?
Yes, and I believe both exist inside of us all, and, for the most part, it is up to us, what we choose to do.

Do you believe in sin?
I do, I think sin is anytime you do things that puts negativity in the world.

Do you believe in Karma?
I do, I feel that if you put good into the world, you get it back.  I do also sometimes wonder why such bad things happen to good people, so I'm not 100% sold on this.

Do you believe that Jesus existed?
I do.

I know my answers are very short today, I've had a rough last couple of days, and I'm really really down.  It's times like this I want to be cynical about religion, but I know there is a God out there some where, so I don't.

I guess that's it for today then.

Day 2

Ok, continuing on with the list of questions to ponder:

Are there ghosts?
I believe so yes.  I have never seen one in person, so to speak, but I have felt things,sensed things, that I couldn't see.  I believe my feelings, and I do believe there are ghosts.

Are there demons?
I am not certain, but I do believe there are, yes.  I feel there are good and bad forces out there, things that we can't see, so to me, if there are angels, God's helpers, or messengers, why wouldn't Satan have the same thing?

Do you believe in Satan?
Right now I do.  There is evil in this world, people who do very very bad things, and to me, that is because of the influence of Satan.

Part of the reason I am on this journey is because I feel so disconnected from God right now.  I know part of it is because of winter, I hate winter.  I never want to leave the house, it's cold, and dreary, and I rarely see the sun.

I am jealous of the people that have such a close relationship to their God.  That they feel close to Him/Her, they are firm in their belief.  I've never really felt that.  I grew up going to church because I  had to.  I went through Lutheran confirmation, because I knew it was expected of me, and because, at that time, I felt it was what I believed.  I went through stages of going to church and not.  Certain life events seem to make you want to be closer to God, like the birth of a child.  Others, like a death, seem to cause me to pull away.  And lately, it seems like I am just getting beat down more and more.  It seems like there is more bad things than good happening in my life right now, and I start to wonder why.  Is it because I'm not close to God, because I'm being punished for something I am doing or not doing?  I believe that God does not work that way, but at the same time then, why?  I'm a good person, why am I always struggling?  Why are bad things always happening to me?  And don't get me wrong, I know things could be much much worse, and there are many many people that would love to be where I am now.  I'm just struggling.

I want to feel fulfilled spiritually, I want to find that for myself.

Day 1

Today I start my journey of studying Witchcraft/Wicca and seeing how I would like to incorperate that into my beliefs and spirituality.

I have found a Yahoo Group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheChristianWitchCourse/  And I'm going to begin the Week 1 assignment.  I will use this blog, daily, to record my thoughts as I go on this journey.

I know I will struggle, I was raised Missouri Synod Lutheran, and converted to Catholicism about 5 years ago, when my daughter wanted to take communion,and the Lutheran church doesn't allow that till you are 13.  My husband is Catholic.  I am scared that I will make God made, but I also know in my heart of hearts that God loves me, and will lead me where he wants me to be in life, even if, at this current moment, I don't like where life is taking me.

I have also come to realize that I am an Empath.  I can feel other peoples emotions, and it causes big problems for me.  In doing research on this, I, once again, came across Wicca.  Many times in my life I have crossed paths with Wiccans, and I am becoming more and more interested in this path.

So, here we go. Let's see where this leads.

So, in week one, I am to explore my beliefs, and they gave me some questions to answer, I plan to do a certain amount of them, each day, and may also do some free flow rambling.

Is there a Divine Being?
Yes, I believe there is.  I was raised to believe in a Triune God, and I do believe there is a God, I also do believe in Jesus.  But, I also could admit that I have that wrong, that there is a God, but not the God I've been raised to believe in.

Is it male, female, both or neither?
I don't believe God has a sex, not in the way we think of it, I have been raised to refer to God as a male, and will probably continue to do so.  I'm torn if it's a God is both, or God is neither.  I would probably lean more toward both, because to me, God is everything, so God would be both sexes in that case.

How does the universe work?
I have no clue, but I believe anything is possible.  I believe that if God wants it to be so, it will be.  I believe in other worlds, that we are not the only living planet out there.

Are there angels?
Yes, I believe there are.  And I believe there are times they take on human form and walk among us, to help us, or guide us.

I will end there for now, I will do 3-4 questions and day.

I am excited to begin this journey.